The end is so near...

I'm almost done. My approach has transformed from living week by week to considering everything as in between one due date to the next. It's the one class down, one to go, and then only one more after that, approach. It's been working for me; I'm getting through.

But I'm still haunted a bit by the idea of going back, living at home again, and working at the cafe. I still desperately want to travel , but with as little money as I have it's not going to happen anytime soon. Plus it's not terribly fun to travel alone, either. I know I'm not going to be tied down, ball and chain, there at the cafe...but I still have so much life in me left that I want to live. There are still so many things that I want to do.

I want to meet intelligent and interesting people. I want visit foreign places and find a niche that feels comfortable. I have very little idea of who I am, and I'm usually uncertain of what my preferences are, and I struggle with making concrete decisions and keeping them. I have an incredibly difficult time relaxing and interacting with people in a 'normal' way. I'll say that one again...I have to consciously think about relaxing and being at peace and consistently calm and steady-minded. It isn't always automatic. My emotions and reactions sometimes get the better of me, and they affect and sometimes alter my judgments, and rob my heart of peace and contentment. I just get stirred up so quickly.

So, I suppose I should say with Joe, that "Knowing is half the battle." At least I can see it now, where I wasn't ever aware of it before. And I'm taking steps to remedy it. I'm becoming rooted and grounded. When I see it start to happen, I just stop and get quiet, and try to consider what the best course of action, or inaction, is. It's actually a really good thing! Just writing this all down has helped me see it all clearly...I realize that it's actually a really positive, beneficial thing. Something to actually be glad about. I am glad.

Another thing I've realized is how much I try to just make things happen, instead of sitting back and watching to see what goes on. It's much easier and peaceful to watch and wait, especially silently. But I'm so prone to action and control, and, like I said, trying to make something happen under my own willpower and schemes of manipulation. But I see that too. I'm exhausted from being bossy and controlling so much of the time. It leaves no room for peace and contentment. It gives me a false sense of security that stresses me out. No more! I think I've gotten a taste of some freedom from all of that. I'm really glad.

Ireland