It's just rebellion

There is a ton of rebellion in my heart. So much of the same "I want to do it, and I want to do it now, and I want to do it my way" is in me, and those are the same things Avery says, so therefore, I'm behaving, thinking, and acting like a two-year-old. I don't run my own life. Well wait, let me go back. I do run my own life. Right into the ground. Running back and forth indecisively like a moron. Running until I'm sick, not knowing when to stop and relax. I run over other people, hurting them, dragging them down with me. So that's me, running my own life.

But in reality, I don't run my own life. It's in God's hands. And I hate it when I take it back, thinking I'm in control, doing my own thing. I want to just relinquish my life and everything that concerns it to the Lord. To just give up control, give up rebellion, thinking my ways are better, and give up pride, give up independence. Not for just some mundane 'religious' reason, not because anyone else is telling me I have to. But because I trust that Jesus holds my life in his hands. And he plans to do something much better with it than I ever could.