The reason

Previously, I wrote about how I felt so many things were being taken from me. But the Lord in His mercy has not left me without hope. I was outside with my Bible and sat on my plant-saturated balcony. My heart was hurting, I was aching inside, so I brought my troubles before Him, asking why I felt so unsettled, why did all of this happen and what was His purpose in it. His answer was clearer than ever before, and He said, "I am making you into a wonderful wife." I savored that and immediately felt relieved, but then, I remembered last summer, and shame crawled into my heart so strongly that I had to bring my hands to hide my face. Surely that couldn't be part of wonderful wifedom. But again, he answered, "Even that." My heart flooded with relief and encouragement, and I felt drunk from the Holy Spirit. Ever since then, the dissatisfaction with my singleness has been almost completely nonexistent, God set me free from that for a time. I've considered the double meaning of what He meant by wife, it could be for a man here on the earth, or it could mean that He is making me into a wonderful wife for Him. Either way, I am content and strengthened with courage.

The other day a friend asked me why I never seemed to really like anyone that likes me or is maybe crushing on me a bit, and I told him I wanted so much more than the guys around me. I have an appetite for someone who can share the battles, and fight on my side. Who knows the pain and yet still presses on into it, rejoicing in struggles. Who isn't afraid of what the world thinks, or what I think. A man totally given over to Christ and his work, full of holy passion. One who is sensitive, even romantic without losing a molecule of his being completely and totally a wild, strong man. I know he is out there. I am simply describing a man being made like Christ.

Another friend asked me what qualities did I look for in a guy, and I answered him totally and completely wrong at the time...something about getting along with others, and my dad, not letting me run and control things....but I see now that is not it! Rather, I look for the qualities of a Man of God... like total surrender to Christ, desperation for Him, finding his only strength in the Lord, fighting the lies of the evil one.

I prayed once that God would send me a David, a man like King David from the Bible, and the answer was a bit sharp. He said, "No, be like David." So don't get me wrong, I'm not leaving my own responsibilities out of the equation. I simply hope that there is someone hoping for a virtuous woman, surrendered to the Lord as well. Until then, I can only do what He has instructed me to do, "to be silent before the Lord and wait expectantly for Him." Psalm 37:7 But really all I must do, is pursue the Lord and seek His face and learn His ways, full of faith and belief. All other things will be sorted out, but the Lord is my all.