Torn

I find these two contradicting forces at work in me.

1. I want to push Jon away and make him understand that it is over, so I can move on, but can't.
2. My heart desires him. I want to talk to him, to be with him, to love him, but can't.

I don't understand these mixed feelings. Whenever I do push Jon away, he bears it valiantly and renews his promise to wait as long as it takes. And that kindles the fire in my heart that I desperately want to talk to Jon, to be with him, to love him. But then I feel as if it this something that I need to fight, something that is wrong and that I shouldn't be feeling. And because of that, I push him away again. It has turned into a vicious cycle of blog posting.

I'm so--for lack of more eloquent way to express my turmoil--mixed up. I know there is a right and wrong action here, but what is it? This battle has been going on such a long time. People fall in love all the time. It is tempting to think that Jon and I were no different, that it happens all the time. People have loved and lost and still have lived. Why do I think our case is special? A few reasons:

1. The Lord has had mercy on Jon, and he is a believer now.
2. I am God's child, and what happened, happened for a reason.
3. God not only knows the desires of my heart, but wants to give them to me if I trust and delight in Him.

If I believe, then I have what I ask for. I ask that God will show me His purpose in all of this. That He will let me know whether or not to hope for another chance.

Either answer, yes or no, will be hard. "No" will be be extremely hard because I do love Jon so much, and cannot imagine his equal. "Yes" will still be difficult because of the tension with my parents. I would be so relieved, but if I hear yes, and my parents are still hearing "No" then where will I be? I cannot be with Jon without my dad's approval. I won't do it, it is what has been preventing it so far. I feel that if Dad would just let us talk, if I could just be on speaking terms, and nothing else, that is all I want right now. If I could just communicate with him, and find out about where we stand, where we were, who we are...heck if all we could talk about was the weather, that would be more than a dream.

The only other answer I can predict (of course God is in no way limited by my speculations) is the "Wait" answer. But that is the hardest of them all, because it means that I have to keep doing what I've been doing. To keep pressing on, struggling in this battle of emotion. I'm so tired. I'm so tired of this war on my heart, war on my soul. I am to the point now that I just want God to do what He wants to do. Because that is the only prayer that I know to be the right one.