Do I even really know Christ? I believe I've had 'God-experiences' and have been saturated with good doctrine and I believe, but really, have I entered through the gate that Jesus opened for us when He died? Did I follow Him in that death with my own cross and following the narrow way? I have never been more aware of the depravity of my own sin, and the desperate need of a Savior from it. I don't know what's wrong with me, but I feel like I'm nowhere. I've been taken down from everything I knew before, almost as if to start over again. There has got to be more than just salvation from sin. I want so much more than that. I want to be the clean, white version of myself that I saw. I want to live, and be fully alive. I want to be a true Christian Hedonist. I want to be excited about something again. My heart is aching all the way up to the back of my throat and head, I desire it so strongly. I want to know this Christ. He must be alive, if he was resurrected. He must be alive. I want His deep Reality, not what I see in the world. I am a starved, parched, desert land. I need His rain to have life again. It doesn't matter where I was before, what matters is how I cannot live if I do not find Him.
For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans for wholeness and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.
Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will hear you.
You will seek me and find me. When you seek me with all your heart,
I will be found by you, declares the LORD, and I will restore you...
Jeremiah 29:11-14
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