My dag-blame indecisiveness!

I am worse than a pendulum, I swing back and forth on decisions so often! Why do I make a decision, then second guess everything, fearing that it may be the wrong one, and then second guess it again swaying to a fro until I have no idea what I want or who else wants it, or why I even thought of it in the first place? Must I live in this state of endless tug-of-war within me?

Example:
I decided that I wanted to go to nursing school. It became another route to the same ends I've always dreamed of - helping people with their physical problems, in a somewhat non-traditional way. I made a decision about it. Nothing was going to stop me, no one but God Himself.

Now, (surprise, surprise) I am questioning that, and wondering if it was really just a means of getting out on my own, paying my own way, being totally independent. Good grief why is this "independence" issue so big to me right now? I really am free to do whatever I wish. Why am I so against the financial support of the two people on Earth who have loved me for 21+ years? For some strange reason, it is a huge hindrance to me.

(Aside) Oh and I am horrible with my finances. Horrible. I spend way too much money, I'm not careful, I'm very reckless. Sure I have great credit, pay everything on time, no debt whatsoever, but I am a die-hard spendthrift. It's gotten my attention, because my savings are dwindling, and not having a job this Christmas hasn't helped my situation much either.

Back to my origninal dilemma, that is by no means the only example of my being pendulumish. I have loads and loads of examples, each one as painfully fickle as the next. It's not so bad when the only person affected is yours truly. I'm the one that has to deal with that.

But oh it's so much worse when I involve other poor, unsupecting souls who find themselves riding roller coasters, or feeling like they need to make choices for me, or, if it happens enough, not believing me when I say something. Why should anyone believe me, I don't even believe myself!! I don't take myself seriously, why in the world would I expect anyone else to do the same. Why am I so childish about such things? Why am I so painfully hesistant and uncertain all the time? Am I really that afraid of making mistakes? Of being wrong, horribly wrong? Is it pride? What is the source of such undulating fluctuations? Why do I always try to back out at the last moment?

Decision - a commitment to act.