Sleep has escaped me

I'm pretty sure it was the coffee I had on the drive home tonight that's kept me awake. Or maybe it was my stomach growling even after half a chocolate pancake, a granola bar... and -- once those didn't work -- a full fledged sandwich.  And now it's growling again.  Maybe it's the fact that I know I have to be up early to meet a participant.  Maybe it's because I slept so long and so well last night. Hmph. How...uncharacteristic of me.

Anyone who knows me knows that I sleep SO well.  Mom says I used to put myself to bed as early as 4 years old.  I sleep through storms, kids that swim around you in their sleep, phone calls, and important conversations.  I've fallen asleep easily, and quickly, for the majority of my life. For those of you who have not had this experience, I wish I knew a way to help.  Alas, since it never happens to me, the uncertainty of how to handle this sort of foreign insomnia is quite daunting.

Oh my. The birds just began chirping. This night is officially on it's way out.

Something felt different tonight, all along, even before I was attempting to sleep.  A good different. Centered.  

And as all minds tend to do when sleep is escaping, my mind began wandering.  And oh the places it went. But it kept coming back to one thought in particular.  And this one thought can take my emotions through the full gamut - hopeful, disappointed, impatient, amorous, unsure, absolutely positive, unwavering, and hesitant.

It's been two weeks, as of today. An offer was suggested, and remains untaken.  An important conversation certainly begs an important answer, which takes time to develop.

Telling myself now to remember, remember that summertime is a busy time. And being responsible for a pretty large group of people takes time and energy.   That new arrivals and heart-felt departures are on the horizon.

I've never been good at waiting. C'mon. I'm an American -- born and raised -- and instant gratification is my middle name, of course.   I'm beginning to lose hope.  No, no! I can't ever lose hope.

Why do I feel like I'm not living my true life yet? There is a "wall I keep bumping up against, or one last leap my heart won't take."

In other news. I'm pumped about a new movie coming out.
"Before Midnight".
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Kv6JWoVKlGY

You know, tonight has actually been quite short, and my alarm clock just rang. Time to shower and begin a day where I know at some point I will have to crash. Bring it.

One life to live

I was in my yoga class last night, and the instructor said something very profound. She said a friend's mantra is "show up for your life" and how easy it can be to just not show up. That we must be present with ourselves each and every moment.

I've realized over the past few days that I'm not living the life I want to live. I am not the person that I want to be. I am just riding around letting the earth take me with it on a spin around its axis.

I am the captain of my ship. Right now, the wind has left my sails and I'm simply adrift a strange current. My heart is only beating.

For if there was glory...

For if there was glory in the ministry of condemnation, the ministry of righteousness must far exceed it in glory. Indeed, in this case, what once had glory has come to have no glory at all, because of the glory that surpasses it. For if what was being brought to an end came with glory, much more will what is permanent have glory. 2 Corinth 3:9

It's been a year. A full year of just living with eyes open and being free from the law. A year of not being able to search inwardly and look into the depths of the soul that I've been given. A year of paying attention, learning what the world is really like, and how it typically runs. Learning things I'd rather not know. Learning thing that help me understand others better.

I've lived in a different home away from home. I'm working what feels like a different job (because it's so much better now). I am a different person. My youth has washed away, the freshness of living with an open heart, ready to take on the world has been sapped out drop by drop.

Depressing, a little...maybe. But doesn't that happen to everyone. I keep thinking to myself...what? what is this all about. what is coming... isn't there more for me yet? I have no idea where this life will lead. I think about the future, and it looks really...blank. Not hopeless or unhappy. Just blank. Not empty. Just bare.

I look at the post from a year ago, and I am realizing that I misinterpreted what that flower thing was all about. I think it was a warning of what was going to happen to me. The flower is wilted. The bloom is gone. I know what that feels like.

Now I'm a blank. Living in blankness. It's not hopeless, just sans anything to hope for right now.

Going up to see part of the family in ATL this weekend. Always gives me lots of perspective. Loads of love to anyone who actually reads this. You are the best.

American Honey

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Tzzr7RbzUTs

I identify with with song so much.

Wilted Flower

I was laying in bed wide awake last night, and the Word that was really alive to me last night was "Draw near to me, and I will draw near to you".

I asked my dad once, how God speaks to a person, and he said it's not always audible and for him, it's sometimes an image, or a picture of something in your mind, something with meaning beyond the image.

Last night as I was laying in bed, my mind was wide open, not stressing or thinking about the previous day or the following day.  It was clear, and then I realized I had an image of a wilted flower, a little brown and dry and wrinkled that came into my mind.  At first, I thought, what will make it bloom, and come back to life?  Surely a beautiful flower shouldn't die.  How can it be saved, rescued?

And then I realized I was the flower, and that Jesus is calling me to die.  I don't mean physically, I do mean  fleshly. Death to this world, and the things in it.  Death to my flesh, my sinful nature. It has to dry up and die.  There are no exceptions.  There is no other way into the kingdom.  "Take up your cross, and follow me" he says, and Paul says "I die daily."

So here go I, pressing inward, leaning forward into becoming what looks like a dead dried up flower, and saying yes, Lord, more of this.  It doesn't make sense to my brain, but my heart rejoices with this truth.  I was so happy, so grateful for what he showed me, encouraging me in what I'm experiencing, what I'm feeling.  He gave me a hope that what I'm going through is right, and good for me.  It gives me hope that one day he will make me bloom brighter, and more lovely than ever before.  

It is a sad, hard thing. But the fruit it yields will be tenfold.  Praise the Lord.  Amen.

Complemenatic?

I'm not used to getting complemented upon my appearance from random strangers, but it seems to  be happening a lot.  3 guys this week, all random strangers felt 'compelled' to tell me how beautiful I am and special.  They disrupt my quiet world with their comments.  I'm not sure where it's coming from.  But my answer is this:

Who flippin' cares?  What the heck does it matter how attracted you are to me, or how beautiful I am, or sweet, or special. So freakin' what! There are more important things in the world! I don't care if someone thinks I am beautiful, unless they are talking about my heart.   I will walk around in rags and tatters if only it would allow me to focus on the Lord.  I grew up ugly and wretched, skinny and pimpled.  So I pampered my heart and searched for inner beauty.  Now I don't know what to do with this distraction of a carton that I now possess. 

I'd just much rather hear from random strangers what they see coming from my heart.  Mom always taught me it is what is inside that counts. 

Sigh.  Ok, done with the rant. I feel better now.

I love this song.  It says nothing about her appearance.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ghhivSh1hSc

Eyes Wide Open

I've been asleep, with my walls down and my city ripe for plunder by the evil one. Where is my strong tower, and why did I leave it? My defenses are lowered and then the wall cracks and tumbles to the ground. My enemies are able to come and go as they please ravishing all of me. When they are inside my unprotected city (my heart), they pillage my self-confidence. They speak lies and I believe them. My shoulders become hunched. My hope vanishes. All I can see is what I don't have and how wretched everything around me is. Light grows dark. Happiness is something I don't remember ever experiencing. I become critical, negative, and self-preserving around everyone. I forget everything the Lord has done and tack it up to chance or luck or science. Unhappy and bitter, I sink into that inward abyss of nothingness, without meaning, without purpose, and without hope.

But oh then the glimmer that is set before me, it catches my eye. It is a weak signal of hope, a faint line in the distance, but I must leave my comfortable wretchedness behind. I must yield and remember who I am and where I come from. I must remember the truth, and read it. I must continue to plod in that direction of a sunrise horizon. Strength is fleeting, I tire quickly and almost turn back. Is it worth it, I ask myself? And then I remember.

I remember the joy in humility, I remember the pain in self-preservation. I remember the delight in all things of the Lord, how He makes all things new. I remember love, grace, HOPE, truth, faith, belief in the unseen, the power, the joy, the elation! The pleasure in all things in nature, the sweet surrender and freedom combined! The strength born of suffering, the healing, the HOPE, the passion, the joyous childlike happiness. My walls will be strengthened. My city will be protected. I will go out and conquer the giants in the land, one by one. The Lord is my strength and my shield, and my HOPE.

I press onward, I will press forward as a soldier marching, filled with hope and conviction and determination. Drawing up to my full height with my feet on the solid rock, I will look each in the eye and not back down.

If the Lord delights in a man's way, he makes his steps firm; though he stumble, he will not fall, for the Lord uphold him with his hand. Psalm 37:24

I have a strong city;
God makes salvation its walls and ramparts. Isaiah 26:1

Clap your hands, all you nations; shout to God with cries of joy! Pslam 47:1

In the Lord alone are righteousness and strength. Isaiah 45:24

I am the Lord your God, who teaches you what is best for you, who directs you in the way your should go. If only you had paid attention to my commands, your peace would have been like a river, your righteousness like the waves of the sea." Isaiah 48:17

Yes, Lord. All your ways are just and true.